15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Bearound the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“

“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

Dealing with Difficult People

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

ANTICIPATING PROBLEMS

ANTICIPATING PROBLEMS
For the most part, our students are wonderful young people and our experience with them is -- if we do a good job -- positive and rewarding. Everyone, however, has occasional problems, and a few issues can eat up enomrous amounts of time and energy. Here are some hints for damage control.

General principles:

Maintain good documentation of things such as attendance, work submitted, copies of communications with students.
Make your expectations clear and follow your own policies.
Create a paper trail on potential problems. If you see a problem coming, inform your chair of the situation, so your position, concerns, and actions are on the record.
Remain calm and professional, even in the face of provocation.
Inform yourself on academic legal issues.
Maintain proper boundaries with students, avoid contacts and activities more appropriate for friends than for student and teacher.
Potential Problem Areas:

Arguments about grades.  Students will complain about their grades. On the one hand, they will tell  you deserve a certain grade because they did whatever they did. Or you will hear that if they don't get a certain grade they will lose their scholarship, etc. There are a couple of things you can do  to limit these problems. The first is to have clear criteria for grades. This is where having rubrics can help, since you may use them to explain to students why they gog the grade they got. Secondly, you need a good policy for dealing with grade challenges (TΦ101 likes this one because it forces the student to write something before talking to you about grades).  Thirdly, you need to find a way to make the discussion about grades objective rather than personal.  For example, the student will say, "I was disappointed with my grade, I thought I did better." Your reply might be: "I was disappointed as well, since I also thought you would do better. Let's talk about what went wrong for you, so we can help you do better in the future."  The goal is to indicate that you and the student are both on the same side, which is wanting the student to do better.
Problems with lateness, decorum, etc.  Discipline problems in college classes are not new (Augustine left Carthage because of rowdy students), but some instructors are reporting that the problems are getting worse.  Athletes, for example, can be a problem, but their coaches (who don't want them getting low grades) can often straighten them out.  Although many of us are anarchists by nature, it may be necessary to set and keep stricter standards.  Depending on your institution's culture, you may want to build these into your syllabus.  Neil Williams has developed some principles for what he calls "The Rules of Engagement" covering things such as wearing baseball hats in class.
Disrespectful students who are disruptive in class. TΦ101 has seen quite a few of these cases. The worst cases had some of these characteristics:  the faculty member was yourthful in appearance; female; petite; and inexperienced or a graduate assistant. The student was older (junior or senior); male; tall; and taking a course outside of major area as a requirement.  Why students take it into their head to be rude to someone in authority over them is a mystery, but they do it. TΦ101 has heard that Darby Lewis, author of A Portrait of the Student as a Young Wolf: Motivating Undergraduates, talks about this in some of her presentations, where she says that it can all be understood in terms of who is alpha dog in the pack.   At any rate, you have a right to working conditions where you are not being harassed, and you don't have to put up with this kind of behavior. Sometimes the Student Life division can help; most schools have a code of student conduct that prevents inappropriate behavior and, if necessary, the student can be removed from your class. While you may not be used to dealing with these situations, the Judicial Affairs officer in your Student Life division deals with much more serious cases on a daily basis. Your disrespectful student is probably no stranger to this office, and will not want to see them again.
Students on downward spiral. Occasionally you will see students, especially first year students, who stop doing assignments and coming to class. Often it is a spiral that starts with too many distractions, and then moves to a place where students are so far behind that they are afraid to come to class. If possible, call the student in for a meeting and try to refer the student to appropriate resources: e.g., seeing an assistant dean; study skills counseling;  dropping some courses to lighten load; talking to faculty members; getting tutoring.
Weird and strange behavior. Remember Virginia Tech.  If students live by themselves off campus, their faculty members are the only ones who see them on a regular basis. If you think the student is in trouble, call appropriate officials at your school.
Students with personal problems. Often students will talk to you about personal problems.  Always keep a box of tissues in your office, you'll probably need it. The fact that the student trusts you enough to talk to you is a positive sign. You aren't supposed to be a therapist, but you should listen sympathetically, and, if necessary, refer the student for help.  Last time you checked, you were neither a priest nor a lawyer, so you also need to understand how to handle confidentiality.  Usually the school's counseling center will be happy to talk to you about the student.
Resources:

For a discussion of the different types of problem students whom one is like to meet, see Wilbert J. McKeachie,  Teaching Tips: Strategies, Research, and Theory for College and University Teachers.  10th ed. New York: Houghtin Miflin, 1999. 235 ff.

Angela Provitera McGlynn has a chapter length discussion on dealing with disruptive students and disruptive behavior, with lots of tips for how to handle various problems.  Teaching Today's College Students, Madison: Atwood Publishing (2007).

For a set of policies on classroom behavior and decorum see Williams, Neil F., "The Rules of Engagement : Socializing College Students for the New Century," The National Teaching & Learning Forum Newsletter. 17:1. December 2007.

How to Stop a So Called Friend from Putting You Down

You have a "friend" who can be funny and fun to be with sometimes, but in front of others, puts you down or uses you as the butt of jokes or pranks. How do you handle this unusual relationship? Is there any chance you can change things?




Steps
1
If your "frienemy" is hurting you, stand up for yourself and do it right away,dont take the pain. There is nothing as effective as simply making it known that you Have Respect for Yourself and Be Respected.You don't have to be mean or snotty. Just say, "Hey, was that nice?" If there are others around, there's a good chance at least one of them will join in on your side. Definitely, no matter what the outcome is, don't wait - don't let this treatment drag on. When you allow it to continue without protesting, your "friend" may continue putting you down. Make sure s/he realizes that's not the case, right away.
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2
Talk to this friend privately. Sometimes, momentum gets a hold on us and we do dumb things, not knowing how to stop once we get started. If this happens, hopefully you can be a good sport and put up with it for one night (or day). Later, when you can have some privacy, talk to your friend. Let him or her know that your feelings were hurt by the things s/he said, and although you allowed it to continue even after you mentioned it the last time you were together, you will not be so indulgent next time. Ask why s/he used you as a punch line for all of the jokes s/he told, or why s/he felt s/he had to talk about you that way. Giving your friend a chance to reflect on what s/he did might help him or her avoid that behavior in the future.
3
Make yourself heard no matter what. Some people just won't get a clue, even if you hand it to them. Maybe your friend just won't control herself. Notice: won't. Because the truth is, she could if she wanted to. If your friend privately promises to cut it out, but then does it again. and again...and again, you have a deeper problem. Remember that it's okay to care about her as much as she cares about you. If she doesn't care that she is hurting your feelings, then you should not care that she will be embarrassed when you stand up and say, "Hey. I asked you to stop using me for a punching bag. I talked to you last time, and then we talked privately, and you said you understood. Now I'm telling you: I'm not going to put up with it any more. Stop it." If she's upset by it, too bad. You need to show enough strength and backbone to protect yourself - don't insult her, or join in with name-calling or being a jerk - just stand up, state the problem, say what you expect from here on out, and then hope that all the rest of the people there are decent enough to back you up. Most people are uncomfortable when one person is picking on someone else. If you point out very vocally that you are tired of being picked on this way, most people will side with you.
4
End the friendship if you must. If this person will not respect you, no matter how hard you try or how many chances you have given him or her, it's time to accept the fact that this person is not a true friend. Chances are if you have a "breakup" conversation, this person will simply roll his or her eyes and call you a bad sport. Don't bother - just be less and less available to go out and have "fun" with this so-called friend. Let it drift until you've drifted apart and call yourself fortunate to have a new opportunity to make friends of a better caliber.

12 Techniques to Help You Live a Happy and Fulfilled Life

12 Techniques to Help You Live a Happy and Fulfilled Life

It seems that everything comes in a list format nowadays. “Wash, Rinse, and Repeat” or “Open box, Remove Contents, Try and Assemble”. Maybe it is because when we see things in a list format our brain interprets them as a set of instructions - rules that must be followed.

The proliferation of articles about happiness as of late has been astonishing. Everybody is coming up with the magic formula for finding happiness. I don't know about you, but I need to keep things simple and in perspective at all times.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a simple set of instructions for living a happy and fulfilled life? How about an instruction manual for life? Something along the lines of “Enjoy childhood, Explore young adulthood, Engage in a rewarding career, and Enjoy life.”

Unfortunately, things are not that easy. That doesn’t mean there aren’t techniques and tips you can use in your everyday life that can help you find happiness and fulfillment as you go through the journey of life. Here's how:
Keep life simple.
Far too many of us are always over analyzing and looking for the most complicated way of doing things in life. Sometimes life was meant to be simple – a walk through the park, a simple yes or no answer, or a quiet evening with the family. Don’t try and clutter your life with unnecessary decisions by making everything complicated and complex. Keep it simple!

Practice being satisfied.
How many times have you heard someone say, “If only I had a few more dollars I’d…” or “If I just had another day off I could….”? Many people don’t know how to be satisfied with what life gives them. They are so busy wanting more that they squander what life has already given them.

Beware of indecision.
Nobody said life is easy, and sometimes you have to make the tough choices. Never put off a decision that you can make today. You may miss some of the best and most exciting opportunities in the world because you were indecisive. Successful people didn’t get where they were at by prolonging or going back and forth on decisions!

Practice cheerfulness.
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it here again – it only takes a few muscles to smile! You would be surprised at how well being cheerful to others can spread like wildfire. We live in a society where it seems that glumness is the rule of order. A simple smile or kind word can spread through our culture like wildfire – not only will you feel better, but those who interact with you will feel better!

Learn to like people.
You don’t have to love everyone you encounter, so learn to like people – especially those who are different than yourself. Often you won’t agree with everything they do, or maybe all of their beliefs, but by learning to get along with them you will open your mind up to change – a critical trait that is absolutely necessary in today’s world.

Live and let live.
Is it really your concern what the guy across the street wants to do with his life or who he wants to share his life with? Learn to live your life to the fullest and let others live their life to the fullest. None of us is above anyone else, and none of us should think we should be allowed to dictate how another person should live their life.

Adversity teaches.
Adversity can be one of the most powerful teachers we will ever have in our lives. You will learn so much about life by overcoming adversity and learning how to face it head on. Adversity often comes dressed in many different outfits, but you will change your life by learning how to deal with it and prosper from it.

Don’t take yourself so seriously.
Here is a secret: it’s ok to be a little goofy now and then! You only get one shot at this life, so make the most of it. Have some fun and show your children and those around you that you know how to have fun. You aren’t the greatest gift to mankind this world has ever had – so don’t act like it! You may find you add years to your life, not to mention a ton of laughter!

Have a sense of humor.
Laugh, joke, and now and then pick up a cream pie and throw it! Laughter has been shown to help people live longer, reduce their blood pressure, and help them relate to people from around the world.

Practice objectivity.
Be objective in your decision-making and risk-taking. Know the facts and avoid letting racial, social, or any other type of bias influence your decisions. Great leaders perform their best when they act based on facts, not on emotion or prejudices. Become a great leader in your life.

Tolerate your own mistakes.
You will make mistakes – in fact, you will make so many mistakes you will never be able to list them all. Learn that mistakes happen and the best thing you can do is to learn from them. Don’t spend your entire life dwelling on a mistake you made years ago – learn from it and move on. The world isn’t going to wait while you live in the past.

Forgive yourself.
Stop beating yourself up over things that happened in the past - things you did or didn’t do, and mistakes you may have made with others.

Forgiving yourself is a skill so few of us have the ability to accomplish. It's such a shame that we spent a lifetime living in the past and never make it to our full potential in the future. Forgive yourself – and just as importantly, forgive others.
It may seem like a rather long list, but I encourage you to read it and then refer back to it every now and then. You’ll see each one ties into the others in some fashion and that these simple steps really do help you live a more meaningful, happy and fulfilled life.

Life happens. Be a part of it.

How to Invest Your Time Wisely For Big Results

Time is Valuable

Time can be your friend and time can be your enemy. What you do with your time will determine what returns and results you get. If you want big returns, you must invest your time wisely in worthwhile activities and events. Today you will receive the top ten ways how to invest your time wisely for big results.

Time Defined

The measured or measurable period during which an action, process or condition exists or continues: duration. Merriam-Webster. From beginning to end while you read this Hub measures up to the amount of time it takes you to get through.
You want different results in your life; then do something different. You want more joy, more satisfaction, better health, and greater fulfillment? Then come along with me.
The following list of ways to invest your time will work for anyone at anytime or stage of life:
Health. Improve and maintain your health. I put health first, because you cannot do the others if you are in poor health. I was totally shocked when I heard a recording artist say that she had had three heart attacks before she was age thirty-seven. She also admitted that she did not follow-thru on her health issues. She spent more time doing and accomplishing than taking care of herself. Today, she has lost a lot of weight; she looks and feels better.
Hobby. If you think you do not have time for a hobby, think again. Get you an interest outside of work. You will feel so good that you have something to do other than responsibilities. Hobbies are like therapy – they add joy to your life. You need fun and laughter in your life. Hobbies renew and refresh you.
Volunteer/Give. There are many worthy needs and causes. Just to name a few: Hungry Children; Educational needs; Organ needs; Cancer needs, and more. You can volunteer by helping with telethons, raising money, and sending letters. Give. To give, is a special time investment, let me explain. Give of yourself; your presence; your ear; your heart and your attention. People are waiting for someone to listen. People are waiting to connect with your spirit. Try giving these: your smile; your heart; your warm embrace; your mercy and your compassion.
Reducing Debt. This is an interesting one. Spend your time maintaining and keeping your debt at bay. Contact creditors to get better interest rates. Enroll in insurance plans; better car insurance; better food plans and better entertainment plans. Spend your time researching and understanding plans to make sure you are getting the best deals.
Self Development. This is one of my favorite time investment strategies. Read and learn about your personality. Find out what makes you tick. Take online personality and assessment quizzes. Learn how much fun it is being you. Learn to be yourself to the maximum.
Mentor/Protégé. Spend time learning from someone with wisdom and give some time to someone who needs you to help him or her achieve his or her goals. A mentor can teach you many things and increase your success level. You should also be a Mentor someone. Someone needs your experience and expertise to make it where you are.
Working. We work to make a profit. We work to eat and live. Everyone has a work to do. The better you know what you are capable of, the better work you can choose. Some people work a job. Some people are business owners. Some people are entrepreneurs. Choose the work that will bring the greatest income and satisfaction to you and your family.
Computer. The computer is invaluable today. Practically every industry uses the computer. Take a class to learn Microsoft Office: Word, Excel, PowerPoint, etc… Also learn the Internet and how to research information on the Internet. Technology is a must do investment.
Meditation. One of the most valuable time investments is meditation. Getting in a quiet place with no hindrances, and allowing your mind and spirit to be renewed is invaluable. We all must pull ourselves away from the hustle and bustle of life. Take some time away from your job, family and friends to reflect on peaceful thoughts. Meditating can calm your fears and ease your pain. When you are quiet, God can speak to you and whisper words of wisdom and delight in you. Now who wouldn’t want that! Take time from your day as often as you can, and meditate.
Reading. Reading is the key to opportunity. Read so that you can take control of your future. You can self-teach yourself many skills by simply reading. Manuals, instructions, directions, applications……all are gateways to new information. The world is filled with content everywhere you go. Read informational, inspirational, and instructional materials. Read funny, entertaining and hilarious content. And make sure you read the most important book: the Bible; it will change your life!
Well, I hope that the investment of your time to read this hub returns to you in an abundance of knowledge, hope, joy and peace! Read more of my Hubs for big returns and results.

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Why We Like to Keep Busy

By JOHN M. GROHOL, PSYD
Founder & Editor-in-Chief

Do people like to keep busy for no reason? Or is being idle okay with most of us?

Psychological researchers (Ysee et al., 2010) set to find out.

In two experiments with college students, researchers discovered that we can be happy doing nothing at all and remaining idle. But given even the slimmest of reasons to be busy doingsomething, and most people will opt for doing something over nothing.

The researchers also found that people were happier when they were busy,even if they were forced into busyness.

How can people be happy being busy, if that busyness serves no purpose?

In the first experiment, researchers had 98 students fill out surveys individually, and then gave them a choice before filling out a second survey 15 minutes after completing the first — they could drop off the first survey nearby and basically spend the next 15 minutes waiting for the next survey to begin. Or they could walk 15 minutes round trip to drop the first survey off in a different location. In each condition, they were rewarded with a piece of candy.

However, two experimental groups were created — those who were offered the same type of candy at both locations, and those who were told that each location where they could drop off the survey offered a different type of equally-attractive candy. Given that the candy was equally attractive at either location, one would think there’d be no reason to walk to the farther away location just to get a different piece of candy.

Yet the experimenters found that more people were willing to walk to the far away location to drop off their survey when told it was a different piece of candy than when it was the same piece of candy. The researchers attributed this to our preference to be busy, even if for the slimmest of reasons.

vThe researchers also conducted a measure of well-being (or ‘happiness’) at the end of the experiment and found those who took the 15 minute walk expressed a greater sense of well-being than those who basically sat in a room for 15 minutes.

The second experiment sought to replicate the happiness findings of the first one, but instead of giving people a choice of whether they would sit for 15 minutes or could walk to the far away location, they were directed to do one or the other (e.g., forced into busyness or forced into idleness). Again, the researchers found that even when forced to do the equivalent of busy-work, people were happier.

Why do people prefer to be busy doing something, anything? The researchers speculate it may be rooted in human evolution:

In their strife for survival, human ancestors had to conserve energy to compete for scarce resources; expending energy without purpose could have jeopardized survival. With modern means of production, however, most people today no longer expend much energy on basic survival needs, so they have excessive energy, which they like to release through action. Yet the long-formed tendency to conserve energy lingers, making people wary of expending effort without purpose.

Their conclusions?

If idle people remain idle, they are miserable. If idle people become busy, they will be happier, but the outcome may or may not be desirable, depending on the value of the chosen activity. Busyness can be either constructive or destructive. Ideally, idle people should devote their energy to constructive courses, but it is often difficult to predict which actions are constructive (e.g., are business investments or scientific discoveries always constructive?), and not every idle individual is capable of constructive contributions. [...]
We advocate a third kind of busyness: futile busyness, namely, busyness serving no purpose other than to prevent idleness. Such activity is more realistic than constructive busyness and less evil than destructive busyness.

Food for thought next time you step out to run some errands or clean up around the house. Are you doing it because you need to, or are you doing it just to “keep busy”?

Reference:

Ysee, C.K., Yang, A.X., Wang, L. (2010). Idleness Aversion and the Need for Justifiable Busyness. Psychological Science. DOI: 10.1177/0956797610374738

5 Tips to Kick Your Time Wasting Habits

The only way to get more time in your day is to work faster or work smarter. Most of us are already working as fast as we can without sacrificing quality. These tips for eliminating time-wasting habits can help you work smarter.

It seems like the world is running at such an accelerated speed that we barely have any time to catch our breath. We start the day running out the door at full tilt; only keep going until we crash into bed from exhaustion. Then we get up and do it all over again day after day. The weekends don’t seem to offer much relief either, because we have soccer practice, ballet recitals and business social events. While most of us would consider ourselves effective time managers, few of us actually are.

We’re constantly on the go and can accomplish a lot in one day, so we must be effective time managers, right? Wrong.
In the ever increasing rat race that we run to impress our boss and maintain job security (or turn business profits so we can pay ourselves), all the while making time for our family; we find ourselves suffering from sheer exhaustion trying to create more hours in the day so we can get everything done we need to do. At some point, you have to concentrate on only what’s important to your success and sanity. It’s a process that all successful business owners and professionals find themselves having to learn, in order to focus their energy on the most important things. All the miscellaneous stuff that consumes your time with little or no return eventually must be eliminated from your schedule.
The bottom line is that anyone who has a demanding career or runs their own business has to practice excellent time management, effective delegation and learning to say the word, “No.” It’s just not possible to maintain the simple life while achieving a high level of success. And with today’s technology, it’s harder to hide when you need a break. Your email inbox is dinging, your cell phone is ringing and your spouse is trying to call you on the car phone because your cell line is busy. It is at this point that you have to filter the input so you can begin to regain control over your life. As good as you think you may be with your time management; there are always “time-wasters” that can be eliminated from your daily life. Let’s review some practical tips:

Time-Wasters Tip #1
Regarding your work email - how much time do you spend typing and replying to emails each day? More than an hour? Two? Four or more? Now, ask yourself how much of your time is spent on essential emails? And by essential emails I mean, emails that are directly related to the execution and completion of your job. Think about how many emails you receive that do not require your response and think about the percentage of non-essential emails you could eliminate from your inbox each day. It is estimated that only 10% to 20% of emails that most people get at work each day require their attention and are essential to their job. Even if you estimate that 50% of the emails you receive are considered essential that stills leaves 50% that are time-wasters.
If you are spending the majority of your time on non-essential email, do whatever you can do to either delegate or eliminate needless email. You could have an assistant filter your emails to eliminate time spent on non-essential emails or you send a polite request to your email contacts to be removed from non-essential bulk emails lists. The goal is to spend as close to 100% of your time devoted to essential email only.
This goes for personal email as well. If you are spending valuable time scanning chain, spam and video of the week emails - it’s time to re-prioritize. Your time would be better spent in the gym - working - or with your family. It’s OK to ask your friends to remove you from their bulk email list, and a courteous request will go a long way.
Time-Wasters Tip #2
Another popular time-waster is watching TV. This is one of the hardest habits to break - but there is simply much more effective ways to spend your time. Unless you’re on vacation, turn the TV off. Besides, removing the exposure to devastating and negative news will greatly benefit your outlook on life and help you sleep better at night. Don’t believe me?
Try it for a week and see if you notice improved sleep and reduced nightmares.
Think about things that you would prefer to do during the time that you would normally spend watching TV. Maybe it's playing a board game with your family, sharing the hot tub with your spouse, reading a ‘fun’ book, getting a massage, or doing yoga. Make a list of the things you would like to do if you had some of that TV time back and arrange them in order of importance. The ones that make you feel the best should go at the top of the list and should be the first thing you do when you create the time.

Get Organized With These Time Management Templates

Time-Wasters Tip #3
Reduce time-wasters by creating a To-Do List for the following day the night before. Writing a To-Do List before you go to sleep every night will help your mind run through the day and organize it. While you’re sleeping, your brain is organizing how to create successful outcomes for the next day‘s tasks. If you give it a task, it will figure out a way to complete it successfully - and be more focused on success supporting actions instead of time-wasters. Prioritize everything on the list so if you don’t have time for everything, you at least get the most important items done (I didn’t say the easiest to do).
Time-Wasters Tip #4
If you have an assistant at work, evaluate if there are additional tasks you can delegate to them. Have your assistant look through your email, screen phone calls or walk-ins, schedule all appointments, or research something you need more information about. When working with my clients, I’m amazed and how each one of them doesn't utilize their assistants or team to the fullest extent - whatever you can delegate to free up some time - do it.
If you are self-employed, find an assistant! For non-essential delegation, you can hire a college student at a reasonable rate. For vital tasks, stick with professionals. What you don’t want is to suffer the negative consequences of trying to hire an inexperienced worker for a professional’s job - it will end up costing you more time and energy in the end. If you have young adults in the house, offer a part-time job to one or more of your kids; just be sure to establish firm ground rules and expectations. Hire an experienced virtual assistant to help you part-time or full-time. There are many good people out there if you can live with them not being physically located in your office. Again, the goal is to minimize and reduce the time-wasters that are demanding your attention, but not delivering big payoffs.
Time-Wasters Tip #5
Last, but not least you have to learn to say “No.” You cannot always take care of everyone else and if you spend more than half your day on the phone, you’ve got to figure out a way to scale back. Sure, many of us go to the store, make dinner, drive and dress our kids while we’re talking on our cell phone, but spending more than 4 hours a day on the phone is taking away from other valuable opportunities. It is literally impossible to be focused 100% on more than one task simultaneously and if you’re multi-tasking while talking on your phone - someone or something is missing your full attention.
If you feel compelled to give back and want to be involved in good causes and volunteer projects that make you feel good, you can always do this at a later time. However, if you are short on time and still in the process of building your business or career, you can still contribute money and save your time for when you have the improved leverage to do so. Many of us just don’t know how to say “No” when someone asks because we care. You can still care and say “No” and find another way to contribute without sacrificing your success.
The goal is to slow down and be focused on the highest pay-off activities that will produce the results you desire in the timeframe you want – personally and professionally. The goal is not to figure out how to move faster. It’s impossible to create more hours in the day and it’s simply not healthy to run at full tilt constantly. Learn how to eliminate the time-wasters in your life to improve your quality of life and success.

40 Ways to Use Time Wisely

40 Ways to Use Time Wisely

by Belinda Munoz
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard
Time. It is arguably our most valuable commodity.

Unlike treasured gems, precious metals and any other prized possessions, time can’t be hoarded, collected, earned, or bought with hard work, money, dignity or our soul. It slips away whether or not we choose to pack meaning into it. Use it or lose it, so goes the saying.
Though we all know how limited our lives are in the time-space continuum, we sometimes act like we don’t know the value of time. We use words like spend, kill or waste when we speak of how we while away the finite number of hours in each day.
Time management systems abound and still, we flounder and falter at making the most of every sunrise. We plan for the future and neglect to cherish the present. We’d rather look back wistfully even though the future is full of hope.
And yet, for many of us, it seems there are not enough hours in a day. We cram all that goes with living into twenty-four hours of ticking, bargaining with Father Time, naively expecting him to budge to our willful and resolute intentions to produce more, accomplish more, be more.
We paddle in paradox, limbs flailing, trading in the quality of our lives while doggedly pursuing an idealized quality of life.
Time. Like all the treasures in the world, we can’t take it with us when we reach our final stop. Some among us may never be willing to embrace happiness in and with the time that we do have.
For the rest of us, here are ways to improve our relationship with time. (Some things may appear to be contradictory. This is a testament to the complex nature of our relationship with time.):
Live It Up:

• Live in the moment.
• Practice love-in-action.
• Resist the urge to rush.
• Single-task.
• Do things that bring joy and require little to no effort.
• Say yes when you mean it.
• Do nothing. Instead, play.

Steal it:

• Block out a chunk of time only for yourself.
• Make an appearance but don’t linger.
• Take a vacation day.
• Wake up earlier/go to bed later. (Habitual lack of sleep not recommended. Better sleep is.)
• Delegate a task to your child (i.e. put toys away, make his or her bed, etc.).
• Push back a deadline.
• Double-task (i.e. go for a hike with a friend, an activity that takes care of two—social and physical—facets of your life).